Style Conversational Week 1203: It’s absurd! It’s a pain! The Style Invitational Empress discusses the week’s new contest and results By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 23, 2016 Happy pre-Thanksgiving, everyone, and I hope you’re enjoying the bounty of two-count-’em-two Style Invitational contests running simultaneously: the new Week 1203 contest about what you’d do with various magical powers, as well as Week 1202, for song parodies that express some sort of hope. The deadline for each is Monday night, Dec. 5 — which means that eight days from now, on Dec. 1, a third simultaneous contest will spin into play as well! If that’s not a corn in the copia, I don’t know what is. As I mentioned in the introduction to this week’s contest, I ran it in response to the request of longtime, very devoted Loser Christina Courtney, whom I finally met at last year’s Loser brunch Gettysburg, Pa., where she recently relocated. Christina has 10 blots of ink: seven honorable mentions, two prize donations . . . and, on the very first week she got ink — Week 258, March 1998 — first prize, which earned her some reindeer antler aphrodisiac powder. So it’s not surprising that Christina asked we do this contest again, with different magical powers this time around: After all, one bottle of reindeer antler aphrodisiac powder lasts only so long. Here are most of the results from Week 258 (during the reign of the Empress’s predecessor, The Czar, the contest winner got the weird prize rather than a trophy, and the budget allowed for more runners-up than the three we usually have now). Note the mix of short- and longer-form entries, and also how the powers can be used in combination: *Fifth runner-up:* /The ability to communicate with animals:/ I’d tease the big male macho animals by telling them our females are always in heat. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia, Md.) *Fourth runner-up: * /The ability to fly, become invisible, read minds and belch fire: / Maybe then I could play Michael Jordan, one on one, even-up. Probably not. (Mike Genz, La Plata, Md.) *Third runner-up: * /The ability to fly:/ I would float weightless, becoming one with the beauty of nature, freed from earthly bondage, part of the cosmos, touching the very face of God. Then I would drop stuff on people and laugh at them. (Jessica Henig, Northampton, Mass.) *Second runner-up: * /The ability to fly and become invisible:/ At the golf course, I’d pick some pathetic 30 handicapper and catch his ball in the air and put it in the hole, and keep doing it until the 18th green, where I would kick his shots off course until he “26-putted” and finished with a 112. (Ned Bent, Herndon, Va.) *First runner-up: * /The ability to communicate with animals:/ While cooking chicken on the grill, I would strike up a conversation with the salmonella; when they stop answering me, the meat is done. (Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.) *And the winner of the reindeer-antler aphrodisiac powder:* The ability to belch fire -- I’d give this ability to Monica, so she could have closure to her relationship. (Christina Courtney, Ocean City, Md.) *Honorable Mentions:* /The ability to belch fire:/ I’d get a great job lighting the torch at the Redneck Olympics. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.) Riverdance would be nothing but wisps of steam. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville, Va.) I’d really, really look forward to the part where the doctor tells you to turn your head and cough. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) /The ability to become invisible:/ I’d stand behind people getting on scales, sneak a foot on and add 10 pounds or so.(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) I am not sure what I would do, but it certainly would not involve the dressing room of a Victoria’s Secret store, ogling the forbidden flesh as it passes inches from my face, tantalizing me, begging to be seen but never touched. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington, Va.; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring, Md.) I would put a collar on my dog and walk him. We would meet my buddy, who has one of those collars for walking an “invisible dog.” Then he and I would walk together. It would be a kind of yin and yang thing. (Roy Ashley, Washington) I would send nasty e-mails to my boss, and no one would know it was me! Oh, wait, that wouldn’t work. (David Genser, Arlington, Va.) I would follow Martha Stewart around and mess things up. (Susan Reese, Arlington, Va.) I actually have this power. It happens whenever I walk into a singles bar. (Ned Bent, Herndon, Va.) /The ability to communicate with animals:/ I’d give my e-mail address to my cat. I’d give it to my dog, too, but he would always be bugging me. (David Genser, Arlington, Va.) I would tell the house cats of the world that we don’t really care about them either, and we just tolerate their being around. That will show them. (Russ Beland, Springfield, Va.) I’d stand by the lobster tank in a fancy restaurant and train the lobsters to act dead when they were pointed to. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring, Md.) /The ability to fly:/ I’d become a stand-up comic and say, “I just flew in from Paris, and boy are my arms tired,” and it would actually be funny. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington, Md.) I’d get on an airplane and complain loudly about the food and service. Then, at 30,000 feet, I’d storm up the aisle, open the door and leave. (John Kammer, Herndon, Va.) /The ability to read minds:/ I would bring peace to the world by searching for common ideas, and I would help doctors treat children who are too young to describe their symptoms. But only when I am not busy at the Vegas poker tables. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.) I’d know exactly how much to spend on a dinner date. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) *And Last: * // /If I were invisible:/ Late at night just before the press run, I would sneak into the offices of the Style Invitational and insert my stupid, humorless, illogical entry into the “And Last” slot. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring, Md.) *LEAPING AHEAD SEVEN WEEKS IN A SINGLE BOUND: WHO WANTS TO HOST OUR PARTY? * Once again, the Greater Loser Community is looking for a place in the greater D.C. area to gather and make parody-noise at our annual Loser Post-Holiday Party sometime in January; it usually takes place on a Saturday evening but that’s not set in stone. The party, open to all, usually draws about 50 Losers, their handlers and the occasional Merely Curious Fan; it’s a potluck, so the host doesn’t have to cook anything. We don’t even usually coordinate who’s bringing what; it just tends to work out pretty well on its own. We’ve already had a generous offer for Jan. 7 from Robin Diallo, whose home/farm in rural Anne Arundel County, Md., served as a fabulous site this past summer for the Flushies, our annual award “banquet.” But I wanted to see if anyone who lives a bit closer in might also be willing to host, given the chances of iffy weather. It’s nice if you have a piano or other keyboard, but we’ve brought one to the house in the past. A single spacious room is ideal, so that everyone can gather when we sing the parodies — Loserbard Nan Reiner says she’s willing to come up from Florida just for this — but we’ve had very nice Loser parties over the years in quite cozy quarters. Inauguration weekend might be particularly apropos, but any weekend should be fine with me. If you’re willing to offer up your abode and haven’t already mentioned it on the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page, let me know. We promise not to put your lampshades on our heads. Well, not most of them. *ICK AND CHOOSE*: THE WEEK 1199 ‘QUESTIONS FOR TERRIBLE PEOPLE’ * ** /*Non-inking headline suggestion by Chris Doyle/ //Aack, another contest whose entries were submitted before the election. Like this one that Duncan Stevens sent on Monday, Nov. 7: “Would you rather vote for someone who’s very classy, everybody loves him, and by the way, he’s opening a new hotel, it’s going to be amazing, or a disaster, she’ll be terrible, she should just drop out? — D. Trump, New York” Maybe it’s me, but the humor fell out of that one 48 hours later. On the other hand, I think this entry by Jesse Frankovich ended up with the opposite meaning of the one intended, except for the parenthetical: “Would you run for president (just for the increased exposure) if you knew that your candidacy would actually destroy one political party from within and give the deeply distrusted opponent a far better chance to win? Fortunately, Duncan and Jesse got multiple Invite ink with more enduring entries for Week 1199, a contest playing off “Questions for Terrible People,” a new question-per-page book by comedian Wes Hazard. Hazard’s book is intended to be something of a party game, a way for people to admit, perhaps after multiple beverages, that, okay, they really wouldn’t try too hard to save that annoying neighbor from a fire if they might damage their new phone. But the Invite’s angle, of course, was for jokes, and I wasn’t surprised to end up laughing most at some entries that used the A-or-B format for a different type of humor — like Tom Witte’s winning entry: “Would you rather be on the wrong side of a wall, or on the wrong side of history?” It’s the 28th win for Tom, the Style Invitational’s third most decorated Loser (he prefers earth tones), with more than 1,400 blots of ink in all. Tom is also one of a very few Losers to have gotten ink — and in his case, lots of ink — in each of the 24 years of the Invite’s existence, since his debut in Week 7, May 1993. The other members of this week’s Losers’ Circle are also Invite veterans, though much newer ones: Duncan Stevens and Robert Schechter have 90 and 183 inks to their “credit,” just from the past few years; the less obsessive John McCooey blots up Ink No. 44, and his fifth “above the fold.” *What Doug Dug: *The faves of ace copy editor Doug Norwood this week were Robert’s runner-up joke on “The Martian”; Hildy Zampella’s about the surly teen, and Jesse Frankovich’s “And Last.” *Food for thought: * I wouldn’t call them funny, exactly, but these questions might interest you: — Would you rather live 50 years in perfect health and then die instantly of a heart attack, or spend 100 years of gradually declining health before dying in your sleep? (Steve Honley) — For the next 24 hours, would you rather: (a) have water continuously drip on your head at the rate of one drop per second; or (b) have a five-gallon bucket of water randomly dumped on your head 24 different times during that time period? (Dave Letizia) — Which would you miss more: your two middle fingers or the thumb on your non-dominant hand? (Also Dave) — When you feel resentful of high-performing co-workers, do you fantasize about them dying or getting arrested? (Marcie Finkelstein) *Unquestionably unprintable: * This week’s Scarlet Letter for funny-but-no-way entry goes to Cindi Rae Caron: “The guy you hooked up with has already coughed up for the abortion tomorrow …oops, turns out you were just late! However, there is this cute Coach bag you had your eye on, so…?” And on that note, happy Thanksgiving, everyone — if your relatives start the political rants, why-aren’t-you-xxx-yet, etc. just excuse yourself and go write some Invitational entries.